Passing the torch

Tomorrow, I will join my mid-thirties (scary) and also become both an even and odd number. When I turned 30, I bemoaned to my life partner that I would have an odd number 3 for every year of the next decade. When he told me that for every year that was entirely odd, the numbers would add up to an even number, I began to breathe a bit more easily.

So now, I will be 34. Even and odd. I am feeling more odd than even these days, but I am sure it will pass. Or I will simply feel better about being odd. Perhaps,  reason I try to do things evenly is because I am an odd cat.

Most of my life, I have felt like I did not quite belong to any of the places and communities where I lived. It was like I was an outsider looking in. When I would try to fit in, I could feel it in my body that I was in a costume that did not flatter my figure.

When I was twelve, I tried to be genteel and demure like the girls I went to school with. But I was not demure nor was I delicate. So I gave up. When I found a pair of my mom’s old Levi jeans and put them on, I instantly felt like I had found something that fit me for the first time.

I remember setting the intention when I was quite young that I never wanted to regret not doing something in my life. I have come to realize there are some things more than others that are really important to me. While I may not be able to do everything, I can add to my intention to never avoid doing something out of fear.

Joan Halifax (2013) wrote, “When we sever ourselves from society in a rite of change, there is an invisible door that we pass through that has no words on the other side (p. 26).”

In my life, I have gone through many doors. At times, my path has felt like an Alice in Wonderland, Fun House, House of mirrors situation.

It has been anything but dull, however. And as my thirty-third years passes the torch to thirty-four, I have much to be thankful for.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with me.

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