Today felt like one of those days where nothing goes right. After a few things were off, I just started feeling like the day had its own destiny. This evening, in the land of hindsight, I wonder if things went wrong because I expected them to.
I have felt off this past week. I know that even though the initial mercury in retrograde settled, we are in for about five years of mercury doing its thing.
About a week ago, I began a gentle attempt to ease my body from anti-depressants. It seemed to start all right. I broke my white, oval pill in half each morning. I loved seeing the other half with its jagged edge still sitting in my pill case. I felt empowered and excited for the freedom I imagined I would experience, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Easing off of anti-depressants is something I have tried in the past. In fact, I stopped taking them completely a few years ago, during winter in Alaska while going through a divorce. Again with hindsight, I wonder what I was thinking?
This time, I was hoping that my yoga practice—on and off the mat—would help me to stay grounded and calm. Apparently, my yoga practice may not yet be quite disciplined enough to be up for this task.
A few days went by, and then came the sleepless night—mind buzzing, heart racing. One night was enough, but I did not yet equate my insomnia with the chemical change I had brought on. I have a strong inner squirrel, so a night here and there where I have difficulty sleeping is not unusual.
Yesterday morning, the more intense panic set in. It was the kind of panic where I could seem to catch my breath. I tried yogic breathing on and off throughout the day, but I could not draw enough oxygen into my body to feel restored.
Reluctantly, I walked into the bathroom, opened my pill box, and took out the little jagged-edged half pill. I sighed, placed it on my tongue, picked up a glass of water on the countertop, and swallowed.
I felt sad. I was a failure. I could not understand why my body seemed to require an anti-depressant when there was so much that was wonderful in my life.
I am so very loved, and there are people I love who care for me day in and day out. Why so down, Debbie?
Here is the part where I tell mom and dad not to worry. I really am ok. I am in my body and learning from its subtle nuances. I am thankful to have a life partner who assures me that I am right where I need to be right now and that all is fine.
He is right. If I look back on my day, I can find beauty and joy in between the irritation.
I practiced yoga in the park between two enormous cottonwood trees. Each time I brought my arms to the sky, I looked up in their glorious branches, sunlight filtering through the leaves and reflecting in glitter and gold. I felt the earth beneath my feet and fresh grass between my toes. I felt peaceful. I felt joyful.
I performed at my third open mic in Prescott and was showered with love from friends and strangers. Open mic friends backed me up on bass and drums. I could close my eyes and draw everything out with my voice.
In these moments, I am free; nothing else matters.